Rise in trader volume leads to LSE noise curfew

An eerie silence engulfed the City last night as the London Stock Exchange announced that traders whose voices rose above a certain amplitude would be sent home. This action follows the recent escalation in trading hubbub as market participants shout ever louder to make themselves heard.

“Trading volume has snowballed somewhat over the last few weeks”, said Donald Rarlan, spokesman for the LSE. “One group of traders threw down the challenge and the others couldn’t help but take it up. We now have a situation where larynx damage is a real possibility, not to mention the psychological trauma of spending all day among over 600 other constantly screaming young men”.

“During the Great Depression, traders worked in continual, sombre silence…”

If one compares the volume of traders to the volume of trading since 1965, one can see a marked pattern in how certain economic conditions foster extreme loudness in the Stock Exchange. The recession of the mid 1970s led to whispers and crumpled-up notes becoming the norm. And in 1933, at the height of the Great Depression, stock markets were so deflated that traders worked in continual and sombre silence.

Economic growth in the 1950s saw a rowdy atmosphere return to the trading floors, with the level of noise increasing during successive booms. Many traders irreparably damaged their vocal cords during the mid-1980s, and others have since been penalised for attempting to artificially amplify their voices.

“We are in the middle of a Boar Market”, Donald Rarlan said, “and historically Boar Markets have always recorded the highest level of trader volume.”

We at ShareSite believe that the LSE is unwise to silence the battle cry of the Boarish investor.

Originally published 11th December 2000

Chemical Steel shares hit by witch infestation

Chemical Steel shares have fallen a whopping 30% and could fall further due to an increasingly common pest problem: witches.

Derek Trout, chief executive, blamed witches for recent troubles at the firm. “Our usual pest control contractors went bust, and the new firm is ineffective. As a result the witch population has boomed. We are doing everything in our power to combat the problem.”

“A witch infestation can be a damning curse for any company…”

A witch infestation can be a damning curse for any company. They present a physical hazard, knocking over apparatus and people with their brooms, swooping about the place and snagging loose clothing in delicate machinery. Additionally, they often use occult and magical techniques to purposefully sabotage a company’s showing on the stock markets, with negative spell-casting adversely affecting share prices.

Research has shown that once a colony of witches reaches a certain population density they are almost impossible to exterminate. It is likely that witches were directly responsible for the famous Wall Street Crash of 1929 as they moved into factory and office buildings, gradually forcing staff out onto the streets by whatever exits they could find – even upper-storey windows.

Witches and wealth in history

An influx of witches can mean our finances are in for a bad spell

There have been many scientific advances in witch control since then, and modern techniques have much improved. Infestation levels in 1990 had reached their lowest levels since records began in the late 17th century: only one UK company reported witch infestation at all, and that at a tolerable level.

However, as witches became a rare sight in our cities, so witch control became a less profitable business. A once thriving industry was reduced to a few ailing family firms in a matter of months. As those trained in witch control techniques grow old and die, their valuable knowledge is lost forever.

Originally published 11th December 2000